I’m not overweight or underweight I think I’m somewhere in between, I have a very petite body as well as height. Growing up I’ve always been the small one, It doesn’t help that I look younger than my age as well so I was always “cute” and “tiny”. You don’t really see these things yourself, I wouldn’t know I was smaller than everyone one else if no one pointed it out to me because even standing next to people, they never seem that much taller until a photo is taken or you’re looking in a reflection.
I have tanned skin, dark features and curly hair, all of which did not come from my families genes, I’m not adopted, although I’ve been told this many times. I’m just a rare occasion that turned out different from my sister. Being told “you’re too skinny”, “you need to eat more” and “you look like a stick” an awful lot of times, those words begin to stick. I can’t even remember the exact people who said these things to me because they were constant and came from everyone. I don’t think they affected me when I was younger I just laughed it off and they still don’t affect me now I’m older, in a wider picture I am happy with my body and I’ve learnt to love it.
When I was about 8 ( just a guess ) I was with my sister and cousins playing a game upstairs, we were eating sweets and laughing and I choked, I can still remember the exact sweet it was, the small Haribo that looks like a strawberry, the rounder ones not the flat ones you get nowadays. I ran down stairs pushing my sister out the way in the process and went straight to my dad (because if dad can’t stop you from choking who can). He was prepared to stick his fingers down my throat but luckily a slip of lemonade brought it back up. As far as I’m aware after this I stopped eating, I was never a big eater and I think my parents struggled to get me to eat as a child but I remember this being the moment I was scared to swallow anything. I would hold food in my mouth and spit it out when my parents weren’t looking, I was always last at the table and always made to sit there until it was all gone, at the time it was horrible, it felt like a lot of pressure and it would bring to tears because my parents as I saw it at the time were forcing me to eat. Family dinners turned in to “Chloe you haven’t eaten enough”. The food that sticks out the most for me is oranges, I would chew all the juices out and spit the skins back into a bowl, I did this for years because I was too scared to swallow them. I can happily say I eat very well now and oranges are apart of my everyday life. I don’t know at what point this changed, somewhere in the middle of high school maybe I just started to eat better and food was no longer an issue for me.
From my point of view I’m just below average height, a good weight but this doesn’t mean I like the way my body looks, yes on occasions in certain shops I can fit into a size 6 and that can still be too large for me but this depends on the shop and the material. Other times I can barely fit in a size 10. When my stomach isn’t bloated I look in the mirror and I’m happy with the way I look. Then I see girls skinner than me and I realise I’m not skinny I’m actually fat compared to them. This can be a moments thought and then I’m back to being quite happy with myself, I’ve learnt how to love myself since leaving college and nothing really gets me down anymore. I know if I’m not happy how to change it, I’ve started eating healthier foods recently and this has definitely helped and I really want to get into a workout routine this is just taking a little longer.
The point of this post was because I’ve always felt I couldn’t complain about my weight, If someone of a larger size starts to put themselves down, on occasions I can relate and I want to say “me too I hate my body, I wish I was skinner”. But does this make me sound selfish? Ungrateful because I have a skinner body that these people would die for yet I’m not still happy with it? The number on the scales has nothing to do with being happy with your body, usually it’s how it looks and people put the two together, oh If I loose 5 stone then I’ll love my body, this isn’t the case. I’d like to tone my thighs, loose that muffin top and reduce how much a double chin appears. Yes I look petite but I still have fat hanging around I don’t want.
At the end of the day you need to learn to love your body and if you aren’t happy with it you can change it. But loosing weight and being a certain size will not bring you happiness. That comes from within, something that takes time and once you love yourself you’ll never look back because you know you can do anything and your size will not bring you down.
Are you happy with your body?